[GaryO]

Would that be swilling rot gut, or sipping the juice of an aged barleycorn?

[GaryO]

Well, I thought the weekend was going to be a total waste, what with being saddled with 257 pages of manuscript compilation. But it’s all now in an editable pile, and I was still able to fix the kitchen stove, caulk the leaky gutter on my shop, play basketball with the grandpuppies, and build a big breakfast after a late night romp.

Sunday, now Sunday was a bit of a waste.
However, I made it a study of one of our gooey little gastropod friends, the banana slug.

From the deck tower, with a panoramic vista of the entire universe of these ariolimacid slime balls, I observed a herd galloping toward my newly built raised bed, a bed of succulent summer squash leaves.
I noted that three were rather clustered together and leading the pack. The trek from under the garden mulch by the plum tree, past the apple tree, and across the expanse of the fescue rain forest is approx 50 yards, and M0rd, Rick, and Axe were making a bee line to the beds.
Did these guys even see my raised bed?
Did they get up Sunday morn and go, “SQUASH LEAVES! It’s squash leaves today, boys…..or girls……or whatever you hermaphrodites think you are today.”
“Let’s start pickin’ ‘em up and layin’ ‘em down, cause it’s a morning journey.”

8:30

M0rd has broken away from Rick and Axe.
Maybe they weren’t as hungry as M0rd.
Maybe they had an all night frolic, ending up with having to eat their own penises off to get away (it’s what slugs do, look it up).

9:00

M0rd is still fixated on the squash leaves.
Rick and Axe have gone opposing directions….maybe flanking the perimeter.

9:30

M0rd is considering the vertical climb.

10:00

M0rd is considering the vertical climb.

10:45

M0rd could very well be taking a nap.

11:30

Damn!
M0rd is inching…excuse me, centimetering over the raised bed wall, tentacles gleefully applauding, but half his hind end still stretched down the side.

I so wanted to observe him (her?) sidle over and munch leaves, then poop it all out the back of his neck, but he must have caught me with the peripheral vision of his upper tentacles, as he scooched up into a fat little slime ball of semicured snot.
So I picked him up with my grabber and flung him over the fence, into the neighbor’s Serengeti of pathetic weeds they so liberally refer to as 'lawn'.
Rick was not so fortunate.
The neighbor’s darling twin Dobie’s, Satan and Lucifer, consumers extraordinaire, of small children and kittens, pointy eared heads perking upward, had picked up on the action and were loping over to the fence.
Satan performed an amazing snag halfway thru Rick's midair cartwheel forward roll.
One gulp.
Axe, soaring over the fence, turned into a mundane high pop fly, not rolling, just arcing in frozen flight, thinking, 'Goddamn, one minute I'm immersed in ooze and dirt, and now I'm phucking flying!!'... Lucifer waiting, eyes fixed.
Fortunately, dogs don't really relish gastropods, and Axe was immediately horked back out (Luke ended up eating grass and kacking for several minutes afterward).

My afternoon was not near as exciting, but I did manage to add to my manuscript while watching Serena struggle with a 65th ranked opponent.

cheers

[axe11154]

Gary
are you on grass?

Also Here is my newest story
SO one of my younger cousins Jenny for her birth day asked to for a short time move in with me and jessy (Note jenny is not a nickname like jessy for Jessiebell . Her name is actually jenny. I just find it to be sorta weird). She mainly wanted this because she wanted to go to Florida for summer vacation but her parents didn't have the money for them to go to a hotel. SO she thought of a smart plan that I gladly agreed to. She would live here with me and jessy for some time with out her parents to annoy her and celebrate her birthday here.
Shes a very prissy girl, Something me and Jessy dislike as were more country then city so prissy is a rare and untameable item.
We haven't set up many boundaries. Mainly just because she doesn't have a car or the stamina to go very far. She mainly just hangs around the beach.

[GaryO]

Wiki banana slug….it may help.
Or join me, and toke on some medicinal herb

S-o-o-o-o, did Jenny come back?

[Rick69]

Dang Gary... Consuming my own genitalia was just a low blow...

[GaryO]

Hmmm, rather nice play on words there, Rick.
You can find comfort in the fact that it’s quite the nosh, as banana slugs are somewhat well endowed.
Other than that, yeah, you had an ingloriously untimely death.

Now let’s see, there’s an ant making it’s way to the fire pit……

[Schultz1]

One day when I had nothing to do. I made a mixture. I called it "Wax" no no no. Not the bee wax nor candle wax. It was a mix of detergents, bleach, car wax, car polish, dirt, and a few other things around the kitchen on that day. So I put it all into a small spray bottle and went outside with a big grin. Went up the wall. "fffh..... ffffffffffffffh" I sprayed away. The ants would scream in pain and then die a few milliseconds later. I maybe wiped out half the colony. I ran out of my mixture and made some more. I came back outside and saw I had turned most of the wall a light purple colour. I dropped everything and ran to the hose and just stood there trying to get it off. It never came off. So to this day, we have no ants, a mostly purple wall (outside of course) and a new little weapon.

[GaryO]

Speaking of ants
I saved a dialogue I had on a DIY site I’d frequented a couple years back.

This might be entertaining;



Concrete Ants!
Help!

OK, OK, there's no concrete to speak of out at the cabin.
Neither are the ants.
However, our main residence, in town, has become their main residence.
These tinier than tiny ants started out innocently, appearing in the bathroom, one or two, traversing the counter, pitonning their way up my shaving mug with their little hooked claws.....thought I could hear their tiny voices singing, HI HO HI HO, or maybe it was just a yodel (singing tiny ants, yeah right).
Days later, three or four more,.....kinda cute, little skittering folk, off to their tiny jobs, tinier children waiting at home......how sweet........SMAT SMAT SMAT SMAT!!
Weeks later they're having conventions, inviting their tiny obnoxious conventioneer friends, swarming the floors, counters, staggering around, bumping into each other, drunk on copious amounts of condensed water beads and stray granules of sugar, and over indulged on tiny bread crumb whores ovaries (spell check), barging into bedrooms unannounced, and even the kitchen. I even saw one carrying his apparently sloshed compadre back to his (our) room. Nervy little revelers.
One day at the office I was taking a census of my nose hairs in the men's lavatory mirror when I noticed a tiny backpacker wending his way thru my beard thicket.....
Later that day, as I doodled on a pad at a less than titillating scheduling meeting, a tiny six legged critter skittered off my shirt sleeve and onto the conference table...Whap!
This happened several times throughout the meeting.
Associates were beginning to think I had some kind of Tourette.

It dawned on me that we may have a problem.
We could very well have ants in our pants!

That night we headed to Home Dopey.
The pesticide expert, a real font of information (I believe his name tag read Wiki Pederson) said we have 'Concrete ants', and directed us to several poisons, claiming a boric acid based compound was the best. We picked three types of applications. Wiki told us to quit killing them on sight, so they will carry the poison back to the Queen, and 'kill the b****'.
OK, maybe he didn't say that verbatim, but that's what I could've heard.
So, armed with anti-conventioneer compounds, we strategically laid out the poisons.
Weeks passed.
The revelers sobered up, skirting around the supposedly attractant Queen Killers, telling others.
We decided on another tack.
Meticulously air lifting their itty torsos with tweezers, we soaked their flailing feet, thinking surely its Death to the Queen this time.

It's been months now.
As I type, I can see an out of focus tiny version of Karl Wallenda traversing the upper rim of my reading glasses........
Little help here!!

DIY reply;
Also, be aware that toothpaste, mouthwash, and some soaps contain sugar, which will attract them in your bathroom.

That would explain the foam around their little mouths.........thought they were rabid

To the perimeter!!
Gonna soak a one foot swath around the exterior of the house, and /or set out aunt Eunice's fruit cake (circa 1987) laced with Diatomaceous earth (of which I think it's mostly composed of anyway)............



I thought about maybe replacing our vacuum with a pet Aardvark.
It'd probably be more expensive than an exterminator, but I could rent it out...'course I'd have to have a ready supply of tiny friends to perpetuate business.....


They don't bark (I think), and probably are not much in the leg humping dept.......
Had a dog with a propensity to park his wet nose in peoples crotches...most times from behind.
The housekeeper developed a penchant of guarding her hind end with her hand whenever she bent over.
It was quite entertaining watching Stormy’s ears perk up, eyes fixed on target, loping slowly across the room with the nose of a heat seeking missile.
Folks can make the funniest noises sometimes.

Now if a pet aardy had that same compulsion, well life would be entertaining at the least.
Visitor frequency might drop off a tad though.
So it’s pretty much win win.

One month later;

OK, they seem to be retreating.
I surrounded the exterior of the house with liquid, granuals, and powders.
My lady poisoned our interior.
Seems to be working.
Now, if I can just get rid of these itchy skin blotches, and my taste buds come back, I think we are going to win this battle..............

If not, what's a good name for a pet Aardvark?


I gotta say, those exoskeletal critters are tough.
The multi pronged military tactic of surrounding the perimeter and snaring their trails on the interior seem to be most effective.

If they return enmasse, then I plan on joining the colony myself, and maybe secure an audience with her majesty, offering a peace offering cupcake of Diatomaceous earth with sugar and borax icing.........BRRUUUHOOOHAHAHA

However, I would have to really develop the tiny bit of human pheromonal activity under my arm pits in order to excrete (talk) my way past the drones and soldiers.

Or, in regard to a more enterprising attack, there are chocolate covered ant recipes:

Ingredients ;
100 Black Ants (avoid red ants, too spicy)
1 vanilla bean split and seeds scraped out
2 Egg Yolks
1 Tbsp. Sugar
1 tsp. Butter, melted
12 oz. Bittersweet Chocolate

Bon Appétit my tiny darlings

[5butjam]

I wish that I had scandalous stories to spread about my holiday but aside from the one half American girl and one evening of cherry-coloured vomit I'm incredibly tame. I apologise profusely.

[GaryO]

Geez, Jammy, with just those few words, I could write a few pages….

Which half?