[Schultz1]

Gary, where you in Oregon when the Rajneesh people were taking over Antelope?

I heard of them through the old female pals out in Oregon. I didn't get to see the action that was going on because I didn't have time to go out there, but I just wanted to bring a rifle and kill some damn hippies after she told me what they're doing out there.

Did you have a chance to shoot some or go head hunting?

[GaryO]

The Bhagwan Shree Rajneesh

Ah yes, the Rajneeshees.
My Aunt Laura, residing in The Dalles, was rather high in rank with the Thousand Friends of Oregon at the time.
She had stories.
Matter of fact, she was wunna the recipients of the Rajneeshee food poisoning terrorist tactic.
Hospitalized.
‘Almost died.’

Thing is, I genrly don’t believe all I read, or even hear, even from my Aunt.

I mean, here’s a buncha folk, w-a-a-a-y out in the Eastern Oregon desert, doin’ whatever they did, not really messing with other folk.
Sure, kids from families of old money, spoiled kids, kids with no direction, gathering at the feet of this phony guru, laying out their parents bucks, buying a fleet of Rolls Royces, Phantoms, Silver Clouds, Benzes, parading thru the desert, was a bit disconcerting.
Disconcerting to the parents that their hard earned wealth, hard earned from the sweat of their employees backs, was being squandered on a goofy little guy that looked like Charles Manson’s grampa.

So, the rich got pissed.

And, when people of political influence, with bulging back pockets from these rich geezers, go against you, you’re phuct.

My Aunt, bless her retched soul, was somewhat of a hypochondriac, so I’m thinkin’ she imagined ingesting a lethal elixir from Ma Anand herself…even though my Aunt would never be caught dead in the eating establishments of which they were purported to have poisoned the salad bars.

She was quite the character.
Had the rare ability to talk thru her mouth and nose at the same time emitting an engaging (Fran Drescher) nasal twang that always gave me the endearing feeling of a cheese grater traveling down my spine.

Funny, years later, right before she went back to the dirt we all come from, I chatted with my Aunt Laura.
She’d just wrecked her beloved Caddy, the irreplaceable one, the one that she adored more than the stud of a husband she’d bought the same time she acquired the car.
So her zest for living was no longer a fire in her eye.
She was all bent over.
Not from the accident, but from some kinda degenerative thing.
So, I put my beer on the back of her head and leaned down….
OK, OK, I just leaned down.
‘What really happened, Laura?’
‘The wealthy get their way, don’t we, Gary.’
That was enough for me.

Naw, Schultzy, I had no inner urgings to suppress those folks.
I have enough of my own demons, enough enemies comin’ my way to aim at to last a lifetime.

The rich can do whatever they do.
Don’t matter.
I’ll attend the town halls.
Initiate petitions.
Vote.

And do whatever I do, whenever.

Let Bhagwans be Bhagwans.

…now Ma Anand…..I could put a bead on that money grubbing bytch.

[Schultz1]

I understand you Gary.

The thing is most people forget is that I drink heavy Polish beer and own nine guns.
When the missionaries come around once a year (Those Jehovah people) they all learn within a few days to never come by homes ever again. If some are brave enough to come to my door the just leave a paper telling me to go here ( http://www.watchtower.org/ ) This site they told me go to gave me lots of laughs. Also. If one or two manage to knock on my door, I quickly grab my cane (I'm not crippled, it helpsfor beating people and getting free items) walk out to them. Tell them all to hell. Then slowly walk away.
Dogs help too! Remeber that. Just open the back gate and let old Satchmo lope out.

[GaryO]

Ah yes, the ‘Jay Dubs’.

If I’m in a playful mood, I’ll invite ‘em in, just to put ‘em on wunna my mental roller coasters….it’s a fun ride.

I think I still have my witness kit somewhere in my den.
Fun stuff…..chicken bones…..dried turtle scrotum…...petrified dog’s testicles….things like that.

Back then I could squat down, cross legged, backs of my hands on my knees, thumbs and forefingers pinched, and hum, eyes closed….until they left.
It was the final act of my repertoire.
Most never got that far, but those that did, got a show, I’ll tell ya.

Mormons, same thing.

Yeah, a big dog is a fun tactic.

‘Awe, idn’t at cute….down Kemo.
He’s jus bein’ playful.
Those little nips’ll quit bleedin’ after a spell, but I’d see to those claw marks.’

Back in the day, vacuum cleaner sales were enhanced by door-to-door folk.
One time, in the ‘70s, a hoard of ‘em attacked the little cul-de-sac we lived on.
They came in droves, piling outta vans and cars, like locust.
Three were at my door, at dinner time.
But, hey, they were people tryin’ to make a livin’…..
The brains of the outfit began small conversation with me.

‘Hey, that’s a n-i-c-e ship, you build it?’

‘Uh, yeah…..please git yer vacuum away from it.’

‘Well, sir, we’re here to show you how you can be germ free with our state of the art HEPA filtered systems.’

The gentleman commenced to suck the living shyt outta our couch…..really….living shyt.

Then he opened his bag-o-living-shyt and spread it onto some newspaper…my sports page.

I played along.

‘Wow.’

‘Do you know what that is?’ (rubbing the amorphous gooey granules between his finger and thumb)

‘No.’

‘It’s human skin.’

‘Really?!’

‘Yes, human skin….wanna touch it?’

‘Naw, that’s a used couch.
Bought it from the widow of a diseased old man, and that one dried glob there in yer palm is most likely my spermazoota, we tend to frolic most anywhere.’

Once back from washing his hands, super sales guy was back on task.

‘This attachment can remove the most stubborn stains.
I’m going to pour this ink on yer couch and….’

‘WAIT!
How ‘bout the stain under the doily of that chair?’

Man, that guy scrubbed for a good twenty minutes, and actually got most of it out, building up quite a sweat.

‘Well, sir, that is one stubborn stain. What do you think it is?’

‘Probably the blood of that dead guy, got the chair from the same place, I think he actually died right there.’

Once back from washing his hands, he was ready to wrap things up.


I felt sorry for the man.
He was quite dogged about getting this sale.
And his white shirt had rings of perspiration growing at a rapid rate outta his underarms….tie was loose…..and foam was gathering at the corners of his mouth.

The vacuum systems were $800…back when $800 was closer to what $800 should be.
And they were about $787.34 more than I could afford.

I didn’t have the heart to tell him how much I appreciated him doing my curtains, couch, carpet, and chair….but.

‘Let me think about it.’

‘Sir, we won’t be coming back this way.’

‘Good.’

‘You don’t understand. This deal is today only.’

‘Good.’

‘Perhaps I could discuss this with the lady of the house.’

‘Of course, only make it your lady of your house…about career choices…..and get the phuk outta mine.’

‘Here Kemo.’

Patience.
I learned I don’t really need mucha that virtue at given times…..and Kemo, well he jus likes people.


Today, it’s telemarketing.
Sometimes, at the office, the receptionist will let one get by.

‘Gary, I’m going to send you a little gift to your home, and all you have to is blather blather blah blah, and Gary, blather blather blah blah, Gary, blather blather blah blah,'

‘Interesting’

'and Gary, blather blather blah blah, Gary, blather blather blah blah,'

‘Interesting’

'and Gary, blather blather blah blah, Gary, blather blather blah blah, Gary,'

‘Interesting.
Hey, can I put you on hold for just a sec?’

‘Sure Gary.’

It takes about 1.37 minutes before the little blinking light goes out. I think the record is close to 4 minutes.

[Mooooooooooooooooooo]

Back when I was drinking I had a couple of guys from the special underwear brigade come to my door. I'll never know why they chose to ignore both Darwin fish that are prominently displayed near the doorbell.


Maybe I shouldn't have been drunk at 10 am...But they were equally guilty of being religious on my doorstep.


I started into my usual spiel about Joseph Smith being a known Liar and how cool polygamy must be until aunt flo visits....It wasn't sinking in.

I tried a new tactic, I told these two young men about the joys of slutty college girls, alcohol and pre marital blow jobs.(we all know there's no such thing as a post marital BJ)

The younger one was appalled..But his companion seemed very interested.. I showed them some facts about Mormons on the internet and offered them a pull from my bottle of Tullamore....Maybe a step too far.


When I offered to take them to the strippers for the lunch buffet the younger one appeared to have a small stroke and literally dragged his buddy out my door.


I'm just glad that someone learned something that day.

[GaryO]

Ah, my morning is now ‘special’.

A Mooooooooooooooooooo story.

Wish they weren’t so freaking rare…..but the good stuff always is.

‘special underwear brigade’…wish I’d remember that one

[Bull]

I used to sell kirby vacuums door to door. I was never any good at it, but it was a great way to case houses.

I live in a small town and am always being bothered by door to door religious nuts wanting me to join their church. Haven't seen any mormons though. The last visit I got I told them to go sell crazy someplace else, we're all stocked up here. Heard it in a movie that I can't recall right now. I thought it was funny but the look that lady gave me didn't remotely resemble christian. Come to think of it, that's when my trashcans started getting kicked over.

[GaryO]

..........go sell crazy someplace else, we're all stocked up here.

As Good As It Gets
Jack Nicholson
Watched it a dozen times

[M0rd3kaI]

Jehovah's witnesses are the staple diet of all South Africans upon getting home from Church on Sundays... well, this I know only from years back that I for one woke up before noon and secondly actually was yanked out of be to go to church... anyway.

My uncle told me a story his father once did and this is my goal to be able to do to some Jehovah one day...

The Jehovah's witness group consists of the belief that after death you go to heaven (Obviously) however, there are only 10,000 'seats' available in their proclaimed heaven... so this one group comes to my uncles fathers house when he was small and my Grandad let them speak... telling the family of Owen's all about the beauty of the the Jehovah religion... and apparently the conversation went as follows:

"Sir, the Jehovah's witness church speaks only the truth, once you die, God will take you into his care in heaven"

"Is that so?"

"Oh yes sir, there are 10,000 places in God's home and he welcomes everyone that respects Him and follows Him"

"Wow... 10,000 you say?"

"Yes sir... 10,000 places"

"How many practising Jehovah's are there worldwide?"

"Sir, the Jehovah following stretches more than a million members that God loves very much"

"Now... tell me, there are more than a million members, but only 10,000 places available in heaven... what are Your chances of getting in there?"

Apparently they left after that.

[misterhamtastic]

My mom had the best response I ever saw. She'd glance out the window, see it was "them" pull off all her clothes, and open the door with nothing but a smile.

"I'd love to hear what you have to say, come on in, just leave your clothes on the front steps. Ring the doorbell when you're ready!"

Strangely, after a couple of times of this, visits by the Jehovah's witnesses stopped.

I think the mormons marked us as a favorite, though.