Ah yes, the ‘Jay Dubs’.
If I’m in a playful mood, I’ll invite ‘em in, just to put ‘em on wunna my mental roller coasters….it’s a fun ride.
I think I still have my witness kit somewhere in my den.
Fun stuff…..chicken bones…..dried turtle scrotum…...petrified dog’s testicles….things like that.
Back then I could squat down, cross legged, backs of my hands on my knees, thumbs and forefingers pinched, and hum, eyes closed….until they left.
It was the final act of my repertoire.
Most never got that far, but those that did, got a show, I’ll tell ya.
Mormons, same thing.
Yeah, a big dog is a fun tactic.
‘Awe, idn’t at cute….down Kemo.
He’s jus bein’ playful.
Those little nips’ll quit bleedin’ after a spell, but I’d see to those claw marks.’
Back in the day, vacuum cleaner sales were enhanced by door-to-door folk.
One time, in the ‘70s, a hoard of ‘em attacked the little cul-de-sac we lived on.
They came in droves, piling outta vans and cars, like locust.
Three were at my door, at dinner time.
But, hey, they were people tryin’ to make a livin’…..
The brains of the outfit began small conversation with me.
‘Hey, that’s a n-i-c-e ship, you build it?’
‘Uh, yeah…..please git yer vacuum away from it.’
‘Well, sir, we’re here to show you how you can be germ free with our state of the art HEPA filtered systems.’
The gentleman commenced to suck the living shyt outta our couch…..really….living shyt.
Then he opened his bag-o-living-shyt and spread it onto some newspaper…my sports page.
I played along.
‘Do you know what that is?’ (rubbing the amorphous gooey granules between his finger and thumb)
‘It’s human skin.’
‘Yes, human skin….wanna touch it?’
‘Naw, that’s a used couch.
Bought it from the widow of a diseased old man, and that one dried glob there in yer palm is most likely my spermazoota, we tend to frolic most anywhere.’
Once back from washing his hands, super sales guy was back on task.
‘This attachment can remove the most stubborn stains.
I’m going to pour this ink on yer couch and….’
How ‘bout the stain under the doily of that chair?’
Man, that guy scrubbed for a good twenty minutes, and actually got most of it out, building up quite a sweat.
‘Well, sir, that is one stubborn stain. What do you think it is?’
‘Probably the blood of that dead guy, got the chair from the same place, I think he actually died right there.’
Once back from washing his hands, he was ready to wrap things up.
I felt sorry for the man.
He was quite dogged about getting this sale.
And his white shirt had rings of perspiration growing at a rapid rate outta his underarms….tie was loose…..and foam was gathering at the corners of his mouth.
The vacuum systems were $800…back when $800 was closer to what $800 should be.
And they were about $787.34 more than I could afford.
I didn’t have the heart to tell him how much I appreciated him doing my curtains, couch, carpet, and chair….but.
‘Let me think about it.’
‘Sir, we won’t be coming back this way.’
‘You don’t understand. This deal is today only.’
‘Perhaps I could discuss this with the lady of the house.’
‘Of course, only make it your lady of your house…about career choices…..and get the phuk outta mine.’
I learned I don’t really need mucha that virtue at given times…..and Kemo, well he jus likes people.
Today, it’s telemarketing.
Sometimes, at the office, the receptionist will let one get by.
‘Gary, I’m going to send you a little gift to your home, and all you have to is blather blather blah blah, and Gary, blather blather blah blah, Gary, blather blather blah blah,'
'and Gary, blather blather blah blah, Gary, blather blather blah blah,'
'and Gary, blather blather blah blah, Gary, blather blather blah blah, Gary,'
Hey, can I put you on hold for just a sec?’
It takes about 1.37 minutes before the little blinking light goes out. I think the record is close to 4 minutes.
5butjam wrote:I'm out because Gary O can't spell 'sites'.(Jan 15, 2012)
M0rd3kaI wrote:Gary...I sometimes worry about you... (although it's not this time, I just wanted to get that out there)
Rick69 wrote:Holy poop, Gavin... Sometimes you scare me...
axe11154 wrote:you sick old man
Hawamleh wrote:When Gary goes all south, you better not even try to comprehend what he's saying.