[Rick69]

Perhaps I see a little gap amidst all the threads I have seen... So here's my attempt to fill it:

A Joke Thread

Just add any joke you hear & like and we're all better off in the end...

Besides, they say 1 minute of laughter lengthens your life by 1 hour... that's 1 more hour of MotiFake in your life!

So there's nothing to lose... and there are pretty much no restrictions except the usual (no personal attacks/targetting or similar, of course)...

You can post: Pics, Gifs, Text or Posters about anything you think we will find amusing...

Ha ha!.jpg (76.82 KiB) Viewed 871 times

Go ahead, make me laugh

[M0rd3kaI]

Oh Sweet Jesus... I found my home... Thanks Rick-a-Shay, Expect a LOT of things to come up here... such as the following...

Enjoy.

Beer is the cause and solution to all of life's problems. Homer Simpson

I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. Frank Sinatra

Stay busy, get plenty of exercise, and don't drink too much. Then again, don't drink too little.

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut. Ernest Hemingway

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Even though a number of people have tried, no one has yet found a way to drink for a living. Jean Kerr

I envy people who drink - at least they know what to blame everything on.

I like to keep a bottle of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy. W.C. Fields

Wine is bottled poetry. Robert Louis Stevenson

This is one of the disadvantages of wine: it makes a man mistake words for thought.

One reason I don't drink is that I want to know when I am having a good time.

Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water. W.C. Fields

The harsh, useful things of the world, from pulling teeth to digging potatoes, are best done by men who are as starkly sober as so many convicts in the death-house, but the lovely and useless things, the charming and exhilarating things, are best done by men with, as the phrase is, a few sheets in the wind. H.L. Mencken

The hard part about being a bartender is figuring out who is drunk and who is just stupid."

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up . . . reading. - Henny Youngman

In the Bowling Alley of Tomorrow, there will even be machines that wear rental shoes and throw the ball for you. Your sole function will be to drink beer. - Dave Barry

Actually, it only takes one drink to get me loaded. Trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or fourteenth. - George Burns

Do not allow children to mix drinks. It is unseemly and they use too much vermouth. - Steve Allen

An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with fools. - Ernest Hemmingway

If your doctor warns that you have to watch your drinking, find a bar with a mirror. - John Mooney

I can't die until the government finds a safe place to bury my liver. - Phil Harris

Everybody should believe in something . . . I believe I'll have another drink. - Unknown

Whenever someone asks me if I want water with my Scotch, I say, "I'm thirsty, not dirty." - Joe Lewis

I told the stewardess liquor for three. - "Who are the other two?" - "Oh, there are no other two." - James Bond

[M0rd3kaI]

A pirate walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender looks down and says "You know that you have a steering wheel in your pants"
The pirate replies "Ay, it's drivin' me nuts"

________________________________________________________________________


What does a drunk walrus have in common with a woman at a Tupperware party?

A: They're both out looking for a tight seal.

________________________________________________________________________


At about 3AM, I was drunk as a skunk. I came home just in time to hear the cuckoo clock cuckoo three times. Quickly coming up with a plan, I cuckooed nine more times, hoping my wife would think it was midnight. I was very proud of myself.

The next day, my wife asked what time I got home, and I replied, "Midnight, just like I said."

She said that was good, and for some reason she said we needed a new cuckoo clock. When I asked why, she answered, "Last night when it cuckooed midnight, it cuckooed three times, said 's***!,' cuckooed four more times, farted, cuckooed three times, cleared its throat, cuckooed two more times and then started giggling."

________________________________________________________________________


An Irishman named O'Malley went to his doctor after a long illness.

The doctor, after a lengthy examination, sighed and looked O'Malley in the eye, and said, "I've some bad news for you.
You have cancer, and it can't be cured. I'd give you two weeks to a month to live."

O'Malley was shocked and saddened by the news, but of solid character. He managed to compose himself and walk from the doctor's office into the waiting room. There, he saw his son who had been waiting. O'Malley said, "Well son, we Irish
celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't so well. I have cancer, and I've been given a short time to live. Let's head for the pub and have a few pints."

After three or four pints, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more beers. They were eventually approached by some of O'Malley's old friends who asked what the two were celebrating. O'Malley told them that the Irish celebrate the good and the bad. He went on to tell them that they were drinking to his impending end. He told
his friends, "I've only got a few weeks to live as I have been diagnosed with AIDS."

The friends gave O'Malley their condolences, and they had a couple more beers.

After his friends left, O'Malley's son leaned over and whispered his confusion. "Dad. I though you said that you were dying from cancer??? You just told your friends that you were dying from AIDS!"

O'Malley said, "I am dying of cancer, son. I just don't want any of them sleeping with your mother after I'm gone."

[M0rd3kaI]

A mother-in-law told her son's wife when their baby was born.....

"I don't mean to be rude, my dear, but he doesn't look anything like my son"

the daughter-in-law lifted her skirt and said

"I don't mean to be rude either, but technically speaking this is a pu**y not a f*#%++g photocopier".

[M0rd3kaI]

A 65-year-old woman is naked, jumping up and down on her bed laughing like an idiot.

Her husband walks into the bedroom and sees her. He watches her a while then says,
"You look ridiculous, what on earth are you doing?"

She says,
"I just got my checkup and my doctor says I have the breasts of an eighteen-year-old."
She starts laughing and jumping again.

He says,
"Yeah, right. And what did he say about your 65 year-old ass?"

She says,
"Well, your name never came up."

[Rick69]

Try about 1 or 2 jokes at a time, maybe...

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Watson and Holmes Go Camping

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. John Watson went on a camping trip. After sharing a good meal and a bottle of wine, they retire to their tent for the night.

At about 3 AM, Holmes nudges Watson and asks, "Watson, look up into the sky and tell me what you see?"

Watson said, "I see millions of stars."

Holmes asks, "And, what does that tell you?"

Watson replies, "Astronomically, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Theologically, it tells me that God is great and we are small and insignificant. Horologically, it tells me that it's about 3 AM. Meteorologically, it tells me that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you, Holmes?"

Holmes replies, "Someone stole our tent."

[M0rd3kaI]

I have too many, believe me, one leads to another, but I'll try my best though

Thanks for the tip

[M0rd3kaI]

As I Mature...


I've learned many things over the years, like:

I've learned that you can not make someone love you, all you can do is stalk them untill they inevetably panic and give in.

I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just assholes.

I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, but only takes suspicion, NOT proof, to destroy it.

I've learned that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes...after that you better have a big willy OR huge boobs.

I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others, they are more screwed up than you think.

I've learned that you can keep vomiting long after you think you're finished.

I've learned that we're totally responsible for whatever we do...unless we're celebrities.

I've learned that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion will fade if there isn't a lot of money to take its place.

I've learned that 99% of the time when something isn't working in your house, your kids broke it.

I've learned that the people you care most about are usually the ones that leave your side first, the remaining ones (a.k.a. the assholes) will just for some reason never go away.

And if not..................

.........tough s***.

[M0rd3kaI]

A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss his use of the car.
"I'll make a deal with you," said his father. "You bring your grades up, study your Bible a little, get your hair cut, and then we'll talk."

A month later the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss his use of the car.

"Son, I'm real proud of you. You've brought your grades up and you've studied your Bible, but you didn't get hair cut!"

"You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that. Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair."

"Yes son, and they walked everywhere they went!"

[Rick69]

I looked out of my window and saw a group of people gathering around a bloke who came off his motorbike, so I frantically rushed over.

"Out of the way!" I shouted, as I pushed through the crowd.

"Are you a doctor?" one woman screamed.

"No" I replied, "The bastrad was delivering my pizza."