What is manhood ? what makes a man ? what's a real man ?
I've always asked myself this, especially now during my teenage years.
At first I thought it was smoking and drinking as all do when young and stupid, so I dabbled in those... it wasn't really a big shocker when I didn't feel like a man.
then I thought maybe physical contest and excelling at it is what would make me feel like a man, so I went into swimming and soccer, and I was good, more so at soccer, I was praised, it made me feel good, but it was a good hobby nothing more, medals and pats on the back didn't make me feel like a man.
I thought that maybe it was the rules in those sports that were taking the feeling of manhood away.
So I went as most young men here to the sort of physical contest that had no rules, street fights.
I bled and I got my ass kicked and I kicked some ass, all the time having friends at my back, supporting each other and never letting each other down, it worked briefly, but at the end it gave me the feeling of camaraderie, strength as a group, we together were men, yet it did not make me feel I alone was a man, not even when I went into a fight by myself with no support. And now it all it gives is a sense of emptiness, that all I've succumbed to are mighty fists, thus how puny my soul must be.
After that I thought maybe it was the conquering of women, so I slept around, and at first I felt manly, then I felt empty, it was expected really, after all what I was seeking was fulfillment of the spirit and yet I had gone looking for the fulfillment of body.
So I sought love, and it worked, but not in the way i hoped, the feeling of partnership was amazing, and the feeling of being needed was fulfilling, yet it was not what made me a man. being with a woman, loving and protecting her, sharing fun and hardship together, respecting her is what a man does, yet it is not what makes a man. Loving a woman, oh who a I kidding, loving my one and only woman, whom after a lot of hardship still commands my heart, was a feeling close to heaven. A feeling I hope I will never lose, yet if I ever do, it will not be one I cry about, it will be one I feel grateful to have experienced.
Ain't nothing like a first love, and hopefully, and I'll work for it by god, it'll be my last, but I'd understand if that wasn't meant to be.
I'd be devastated, but understanding. you may catch a lot of fish, but don't you agree there ain't nothing like the feeling when you caught your first one ?
I felt content, perhaps my questions were ones that were not meant to be answered. and I had found love, so I did not want to disturb that which made me happy in the hopes of finding an answer that might or might not make me as happy, I told myself, if it ain't broke, don't fix it.
It is funny
how you find things when you stop looking for them.
My sister God bless her leaves her son of two years at our house when she goes to work since she works very close to our home.
I was lying down on the couch, watching some TV before a very busy day, and the little Tyke came up to me smiling sleepily and hugged me, he then climbed up on my stomach, rested his head on my chest, and fell asleep. I put my phone on silent, and even though I missed dates and appointments, I sat there not moving just watching TV for hours, just to let the peaceful angel sleep. when he woke up four hours later, he snuggled up against me and then got up and went to play.
As I watched that little guy hobble over to his toys, I found my answer.
It was a good thing I didn't give up on love, for there was my answer, through loving my woman enough to spend my life with her, and having our own children would lie the answer to what would make a man.
only when I lie down on my own couch with my wife in arm and our son or daughter sleeping in my lap would I feel like a true man, and only when I see them grow as I grow old with my wife will I be truly fulfilled.
I found my answer as to what would make me a man, and I realized that I was yet a boy. And that manhood would come in time.
I will enjoy my time as a boy, for it is not something bad, and i will not rush into manhood, for how I care for my children and wife will define what type of man I will become, and I intend on being a good one, so I will let it come as it should, with time and wisdom.
For now I am a boy, but the future looks bright, and with love the present ain't bad either.
either that or the answer is eating medium-rare steak, I really can't tell.
Oh what the hell I'll go with option A, makes me feel more worldly and cultured.